"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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