There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
