So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
