Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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