i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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