Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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