Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We have so much sex to catch up on
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
