He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
