hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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