I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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