The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
