Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
