my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize