Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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