I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize