We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
