its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
