Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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