Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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