dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
