That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
