What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We have started to decorate penises.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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