I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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