You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
