I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
