just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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