so that wasnt chicken after all
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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