Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
