his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's always time for handjobs
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
