Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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