hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
