I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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