he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I touched a dick in church today
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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