Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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