maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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