i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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