babies were throwing up all over the place
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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