I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me†eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
