cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
