haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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