So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
