so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i will never coherently bang her
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize