Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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