when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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