You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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