why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The Olympian is in my bed
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
