my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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