peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
