wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
