You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
