Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
