Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
