you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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