wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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