3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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