so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
