Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize