Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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