i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
