I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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