FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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