Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
