The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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