I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
