i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
