So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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