Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize